Wednesday, September 27, 2006
im feeling down again.
if this goes on, i think i will sink into depression.
it like everything is inside me, i tried to say it out but it doesn't come out.
the feeling is so terrible .
this is a blog and not it's private.
if i want to say something. im afraid some people will misunderstood and more conflicts will arise.
it's really terrible. i feel like crying now. but the tears wont flow and why am i feeling so up and down now. i try to be happy for whatever problem im having. im trying really hard , telling myself that im not a baby anymore and im 15. im able to slove my own problems with no regrets and making sure everyone is happy. but i watch this show, it tells me that in order for someone to be happy, the person happiness will be a burden on another person unhappiness. i believe its true. cause right now im having this situations where im trying not to let the person gets hurt but the more i try the more it hurts me. and i thought the person will understand and someday will not hurt me anymore but i guess it does not. the truth is the person wont understand and i will continue to get hurt if i dont defend myself. but i try to make myself mean and try to defend myself but i cant do it. i dont know why cause everything i try to protect myself . im thinking of the person feelings. what about mine then ? sometimes i wish i was really evil and i do dream about myself being evil in this way you would not get hurt easily right ? to me that how i think it is. but somehow the evil thing cant work on me. i dont know why too. i think im too stupid that what i cant do it. if not i wont get backstabb and betray like so many times . sighh.
and as i feel worse and worse. i keep thinking about -
it's like everytime i feel worse or in a moment that needs some support. i'll think of my -. i dont know why too.
and the worse thing is it's already a year and i still cant get over him.
his face is so clearly on my mind. its a year and i could still remember him clearly.
i dont know what wrong with me. and i dont know why it is so hard to meet him ?
why cant i see him again, how come our fate just end there. it's simply not fair.
i envy those who get to see him everyday. they're so lucky. i just wish he is right beside me now giving me support and i know i will do well in whatever situations i've cause he is right beside me. pleasee. im begging. i really hope that our fate does not end there.
